George Carlin Quotes
George Carlin Quotes
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there’s no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!
Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
There’s a reason education sucks, and it’s the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you’ve got.. because the owners of this country don’t want that. I’m talking about the real owners now.. the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners.
I don’t care much about the outcome. I’d like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don’t think that’s in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That’ll never happen because they’ve got all the guns now. At least they’ve got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision.
Is there another word for synonym?
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles.”
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it of course; just kind of on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: “Civil War.” Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? “Say, pardon me?” (shoots gun) “I’m awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.
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George Carlin Quotes on Jesus
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
There’s some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, ‘A prophet is honoured everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.’ The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
George Carlin Quotes about Christmas
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin Quotes on Politics
I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
I’m completely in favour of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin Quotes on Guns
The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
You can’t be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you’re not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
I believe my first duty is to survive. And I’m not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I’ll get one. And I’ll use it.
George Carlin Quotes There is no Present
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin Quotes on America
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on
cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there’s no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!
Inspirational George Carlin Quotes
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
Short George Carlin Quotes on Thanks Giving
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing
On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
Short George Carlin Quotes on Death
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
George Carlin Quotes Freak Show
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin Censorship Quotes
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.
George Carlin Quotes about Food
On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn’t mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.
George Carlin Quotes about Cats
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
Your dog thinks you’re a god. Your cat thinks the dog’s an asshole.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
George Carlin Quotes on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is devoted to love. Why don’t we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o’clock news.
George Carlin Quotes on Life
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
The status quo sucks.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
George Carlin Quotes We Drink Too Much
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
George Carlin Quotes on Cancer
You show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
Cancer research is a growth industry.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
Short George Carlin Quotes about Michael Jackson
Why Michael Jackson Was the Greatest Ever.
Short George Carlin Quotes Weather Forecast
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Short George Carlin Quotes about Politicians
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
Voting is a meaningless exercise. I’m not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don’t. Everything is done to you in this country.
Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t.
George Carlin Quotes Never Underestimate the Power
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Funny George Carlin Quotes
Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
